We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
