This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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