people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
and she was petting her beer can
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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