Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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