Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
