Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
