if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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