I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
