This house was built for laser tag.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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