I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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