you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
