I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Drunk is not a location!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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