Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
