Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
