Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
