I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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