You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
