so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
