My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
