Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
