One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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