Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
is wine microwaveable?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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