1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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