i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
