hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
vagina is talking i cant
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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