yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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