Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize