fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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