Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
