I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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