If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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