I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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