Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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