Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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