The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm passing your future prison.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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