my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
