i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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