Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
