so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
