I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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