All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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