shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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