I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize