Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You've changed since you got that strap on
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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