if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
