when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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