i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
