We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
