Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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