i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
