What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
