I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
