Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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