So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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