Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
