I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
