He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
