Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
