My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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