Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
