I can't watch pbs sober anymore
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
