Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
