I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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