I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize