woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
